An Open Letter to the Packagers of the Online Crap.

I don’t know how it’s shopping season already, but it is. If you are anything like me (children, work, cook, clean, fold, wash, repeat), then you shop online. I cannot imagine navigating stores on Black Friday, or any other day for that matter. I always have my kids with me, and unless there is a play area and a reliable person to watch said children as I shop, then it ain’t happening. (Why has Target not created this play area?) Well, I need to vent. What better way to do so then by spending hours writing, editing and drinking wine before sharing it all with you? I knew you’d understand.

Dear Online Stores,

Please, for the LOVE OF SANTA, do not put a picture of the item I ordered on the outside of the shipping box. At least cover the damn thing with a giant sticker of broccoli, or some other undesirable thing. I am a mother of FIVE children. I have zero minutes of alone time to walk the aisles and stand in lines. I also do not want to do this. I want to drink wine and make wishlists, and then drink more wine and press BUY NOW. I want everything to arrive during my husband’s work hours and in packaging that my children cannot identify. My oldest is eight years old and can now sound read. My children are homeschooled, so I don’t have a few hours of child-free delivery time, but even if I did, the chance an item would arrive during them is slim to none.

Ya’ll, my UPS man is probably terrified of me now! He pulled up just as I was parking yesterday, and I bolted from the minivan, arms wildly waving at him to not pull THIS out in front of my children:

SERIOUSLY. You cannot tell me that someone would be ordering this as a non-gift item.

Max, the UPS driver dumped the box as fast as he could while my kids destroyed the inside of my van. (I’m lying, it was already a mess, but they definitely did not clean it up.) I was then left with somehow moving this 150lb gigantic box solo without the kids seeing. That was not possible. My five-year-old basically sat on top of the three year old to keep him from jumping out of the car. I had to swear my oldest two to secrecy about the gift, and now I have to pray that the loud mouths don’t spill the beans in the next few weeks. WEEKS – like they can keep a secret for more than 24 hours. I had plenty of wine last weekend and decided to start my shopping before Black Friday. So what arrived today? Let’s see:

ARE YOU F’ING KIDDING ME? I should boycott. I need to figure out some other way to shop. But yet, I know (and you know) that I won’t.

Amazon, I already throw money at you like I’m some sort of money tree. I survive off of your Prime, Pantry, Fresh, and Now services. You basically run my entire life and keep me on the hamster wheel. Your customer service is always on point; like last week when my toddler ordered 10,000 Amazon coins (WTF? You have your own currency??) and you quickly refunded my money. But the packaging? Why can you not get this right? It’s not just Amazon – it’s every online store. You all like to be extremely wasteful too. SO many boxes inside of boxes, all with bubble wrap and more plastic. I have no use for 99% of these boxes other than bullshit art projects for the kids… so they get recycled. But now the entire neighborhood knows what we just bought! I am begging you to get your ‘ish together ASAP because the moms of the world are depending on you to not ruin the magic of Santa. Thank You, Not An Amused Mother PS – This is not just about children’s items. My husband and I like to be surprised! You tend to ruin that. PPS – Yes, I am full of threats with no action. I know I will have a glass of wine after the kids go to bed and add more shit to my cart. I also know that you are laughing at me as you make your millions, but WHATEVER…. You make my life miserably better. Is it too much to ask, though, to step up your game? PPS- Our Christmas looks like this. We (the whole family) drop a lot of money online.... please take my wine drinking and clicking serious.