An Open Letter to the Packagers of the Online Crap.by Elizabeth MacDonald
Dear Online Stores,Please, for the LOVE OF SANTA, do not put a picture of the item I ordered on the outside of the shipping box. At least cover the damn thing with a giant sticker of broccoli, or some other undesirable thing. I am a mother of FIVE children. I have zero minutes of alone time to walk the aisles and stand in lines. I also do not want to do this. I want to drink wine and make wishlists, and then drink more wine and press BUY NOW. I want everything to arrive during my husband’s work hours and in packaging that my children cannot identify. My oldest is eight years old and can now sound read. My children are homeschooled, so I don’t have a few hours of child-free delivery time, but even if I did, the chance an item would arrive during them is slim to none.
Ya’ll, my UPS man is probably terrified of me now! He pulled up just as I was parking yesterday, and I bolted from the minivan, arms wildly waving at him to not pull THIS out in front of my children:
SERIOUSLY. You cannot tell me that someone would be ordering this as a non-gift item.
Max, the UPS driver dumped the box as fast as he could while my kids destroyed the inside of my van. (I’m lying, it was already a mess, but they definitely did not clean it up.) I was then left with somehow moving this 150lb gigantic box solo without the kids seeing. That was not possible. My five-year-old basically sat on top of the three year old to keep him from jumping out of the car. I had to swear my oldest two to secrecy about the gift, and now I have to pray that the loud mouths don’t spill the beans in the next few weeks. WEEKS – like they can keep a secret for more than 24 hours. I had plenty of wine last weekend and decided to start my shopping before Black Friday. So what arrived today? Let’s see: